I wanted to be ruthless. I wanted to bury my heart. I thought I could treat people the way they have continuously treated me. With 3am phone calls, disinterested conversations and unexplained absences. I wanted to not care. To just have fun.
I wanted to be cold and refuse to give a fuck. I wanted to not care about hurting anyone. I wanted walls up and standards low. Just have a good time and save all that feelings crap until I’m too old to act like a hoe.
But the truth is I do care. I hate myself for every heart I broke. But I can’t let myself risk getting hurt myself. I want to be careless, I want to care less, but instead I’m just alone.