You know, I’ve always loved people. The way they look. The air they breathe. The rising of a heavy chest. The twisting of an innocent curl. The dimpling of a cheek. The love of a broken heart.
And sometimes, I’ve hated people too. The minds full of darkness. The mouths full of lies.
The love and the hate, an obsession I cannot seem to break. To observe. To write. To love.
The lost and lonely. The found and full. The hopeless and the hopers. The daring and the depleted.
I wish to understand these wild creatures. The simple but complex star beams tethered to this earth by nothing more than a heartbeat.
It is not a sad thought to accept that I never will.
Purely, an observation on the wondrously, occasionally monstrous, diversity of human kind.
I was certain I had deleted you. Given up on my passion project when I lost my heart to a man who didn’t know how to love me and a shame I was certain I couldn’t overcome… but here you are. Heart still beating, gifs still rolling, clicks ready for clicking. I’ve found you again right on time, ready for a new love story to begin… Shall we?
I think it’s an easy trap to fall into. The thought that dating is the hard part. Believing that when you find the right person things will fall into place, that it will be easy. Even though this wasn’t my first relationship, I fell into that mind-set.
For the most part, it’s the easiest god damn thing in the world. You’re in love. You’re happy. Everything is wonderful. And then it’s not. Then it gets hard. You’ve been hurt before, there’s an insecurity that haunts you and you fear it’s only a matter of time before they see all the shitty things your ex saw. That you’re both counting down the days until one of you leaves, that your futures don’t align, or maybe, you realise you were never really in love to begin with.
I started this blog thinking dating was the hard part. Unsolicited dick pics, kissing frogs and trying to sort the men from the boys. I thought once I fell in love it would be easy, and for a while it was. Things were so blissfully great I had absolutely nothing to write about, until I was ready to reflect on my painfully awkward internet dating days. Then the reality of being in a relationship, with all my pass pain clouding my vision, all the life-altering choices of being an adult in today’s world, sacrifices, and trials and tribulations, hit home. And I began to realise that modern love isn’t just about finding the right person. It’s about continuing to choose that person even on the shittiest of days.
That is what I want to blog about. Not just the past, the assholes and the almosts, but the realities of having your expectations challenged in love and relationships. That’s what being a recovering romantic is all about.
Most importantly I want to write a blog that empowers woman. That lifts people up when the world ends. I want to laugh at the dumb shit our men do. I want a badass lady, like you, to read this and think “Oh yeah, that shit happened to me too”. I want to be honest about sexual assault and the assholes who took our power away. Most of all I want to bring woman together, we need to champion one another, we need to stand tall and get shit done. We deserve to feel strong. We deserve a voice. We are equal to any man. Empowered women, empower women, and that’s the most important thing I want my blog to do.
When I started this blog I was in an entirely different head space to the one I am now. Hard to believe that was only a few short months ago. Lately, days have been all it takes for my entire world to change. This is why I find it important to write this blog in hindsight.
Relationships, of every kind, are hard to see clearly while you’re in the middle of them. I believed my ex had every quality I was looking for. It took a long time for me to realise I was projecting these qualities because that’s who I wanted him to be. Rose-coloured glasses and all that.
Now, I’m more careful. I leave time for the dust to settle before I share what I learned. So, while my writing may reflect a time in my life where I refused to settle and kept my heart guarded, I’m now in a place where I’m learning to let people in again. I’m looking for someone to share my life with, despite the angst I had towards this at the beginning of 2017.
Remember that when you read my words. Time changes. People changes. You’re allowed to take everything at your own pace and you’re allowed to change your mind.