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aRecoveringRomanticOnModernLove

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Tears stream down my cheek. Not because I’m sad. Because waiting has become unbearable.

I crave you in the smallest ways. To take your face in my hands. To feel your lips with mine. To hear your breathing even out as you fall asleep. To know your morning routine and to hear you call my name across a room.

I don’t need grand romance or a life of adventure, though I know you’ll give me both of those. I just need your hand in mine when it’s hard. I need to feel it firm and hard. To know that you’re real. That will be enough.

Because as unbearable as it becomes, waiting for you is the best thing I’ve ever done.

Move on.

Just when I think it’s finally over, that you’ve accepted what is, you find a way back into my life. The only place I forgot to block you. The one way you could reach out. The same words typed, over and over, that last plead to change my mind. I cannot continue playing this game. Day after day, nothing has or will changed.

You are not the martyr you believe yourself to be. You don’t deserve pedestals or praise. Repeating the words “I want you to be happy” doesn’t make you the better person. I know what I did. I know I had one foot out the door from the day we met. I know I moved on before letting you go. I will not deny what that makes me, but what I am does not define what you are. You are the result of your own choices, not mine.

There is nothing you can say to change a thing; not my thoughts about you or the state of my wellbeing. See, he gives me everything you never could, even from a million miles away, and that says more about you and me then some falsely intentioned well wishes ever could.

Move on. That’s all I have to say. Take your feelings of regret and channel it into being better for someone else. I am not yours, I never was and never will be. Move on. It’s so much more than too little too late. It was never meant to be.

Move on.

To the boy who filled my heart with lies,

Because of you I found love,

It just happened to be with someone else.

I want you. In every sense of those three little words. I want to smell your skin the moment my eyes open in the morning. I want your body against mine when I fall asleep. I want your mind engaged in a battle of wills refusing to be taken down by mine. I want your longing glances, your smiles, to make you laugh and hold you when you cry. I want you to love me. I want you to make love to me. I want you now. I want you when we’re old. I want to learn from you. I want to make you laugh. I want to hate you. I want to love you. I want you to stay even when it’s hard. 

I want you. 

Nothing else. Just you. 

June.

I think it’s an easy trap to fall into. The thought that dating is the hard part. Believing that when you find the right person things will fall into place, that it will be easy. Even though this wasn’t my first relationship, I fell into that mind-set.

For the most part, it’s the easiest god damn thing in the world. You’re in love. You’re happy. Everything is wonderful. And then it’s not. Then it gets hard. You’ve been hurt before, there’s an insecurity that haunts you and you fear it’s only a matter of time before they see all the shitty things your ex saw. That you’re both counting down the days until one of you leaves, that your futures don’t align, or maybe, you realise you were never really in love to begin with.

I started this blog thinking dating was the hard part. Unsolicited dick pics, kissing frogs and trying to sort the men from the boys. I thought once I fell in love it would be easy, and for a while it was. Things were so blissfully great I had absolutely nothing to write about, until I was ready to reflect on my painfully awkward internet dating days. Then the reality of being in a relationship, with all my pass pain clouding my vision, all the life-altering choices of being an adult in today’s world, sacrifices, and trials and tribulations, hit home. And I began to realise that modern love isn’t just about finding the right person. It’s about continuing to choose that person even on the shittiest of days.

That is what I want to blog about. Not just the past, the assholes and the almosts, but the realities of having your expectations challenged in love and relationships. That’s what being a recovering romantic is all about.

Most importantly I want to write a blog that empowers woman. That lifts people up when the world ends. I want to laugh at the dumb shit our men do. I want a badass lady, like you, to read this and think “Oh yeah, that shit happened to me too”. I want to be honest about sexual assault and the assholes who took our power away. Most of all I want to bring woman together, we need to champion one another, we need to stand tall and get shit done. We deserve to feel strong. We deserve a voice. We are equal to any man. Empowered women, empower women, and that’s the most important thing I want my blog to do.

Voyage 

It should scare me. After all I went through. 

To stand here on the docks again. 

The seas were rough before. That was all I knew. 

But watching the boat come closer to shore, my heart races at the thought of being with you. 

It should scare me to take that risk again. 

Even the thought was enough to send me running for the hills before I met you. 

But it doesn’t feel like a risk with you. Not a leap of faith. Or a dive into the unknown. 

It feels like coming home. 

Like seeing the world with you is the only future fate knew. 

March.

When I started this blog I was in an entirely different head space to the one I am now. Hard to believe that was only a few short months ago. Lately, days have been all it takes for my entire world to change. This is why I find it important to write this blog in hindsight.

Relationships, of every kind, are hard to see clearly while you’re in the middle of them. I believed my ex had every quality I was looking for. It took a long time for me to realise I was projecting these qualities because that’s who I wanted him to be. Rose-coloured glasses and all that.

Now, I’m more careful. I leave time for the dust to settle before I share what I learned. So, while my writing may reflect a time in my life where I refused to settle and kept my heart guarded, I’m now in a place where I’m learning to let people in again. I’m looking for someone to share my life with, despite the angst I had towards this at the beginning of 2017.

Remember that when you read my words. Time changes. People changes. You’re allowed to take everything at your own pace and you’re allowed to change your mind.

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